Yes, I've been listening to Halsey's new album for almost 48 hours now. Has it even been out for that long? I can't tell anymore to be honest.
So, summer is basically over which means this is truly what Lana Del Rey was talking about when she sang about "Summertime Sadness". However I say that now with a bittersweet taste in my mouth because this has been my last summer as a silly high school student and next summer I'm going to be saying goodbye to my friends of 5+ years, people who've gotten to know me on a level even I didn't know myself 5 or so years ago, people I've essentially grown with and around and within because ultimately everything around you shapes you and I'm happy with who and what has shaped me, whether it be something that left me torn for days, weeks, months or something that left me happy for just as long.
Next summer I'm going to be saying a tiny little temporary goodbye to my family which hasn't sunk in yet because I've had really important people leave, but I haven't had family leave, so that's an alien experience for me but it's all a learning experience, I guess, and I'm adamant that time alone is what everybody needs at a point in their life. And I know I'm going to get homesick and cry and message people I'm scared to lose touch with and get overly emotional and angry but I'm somebody who enjoys her own company so I'm genuinely and exhilaratingly excited for this part of my life.
Aside from that little unpredictable and irrevocable emotional explosion (wow) I watched an interview with Halsey and Beats 1 Radio with Zane Lowe and she talked about how BADLANDS was a conceptual album to her and the process revolved around creating the world she was singing about and living within and replicating the real life experience of communicating within that world in the acoustics of her actual album. She then concluded by saying she realised that whole thing was a metaphor for her brain - how she was inescapably stuck in and there was a wasteland around that no outsider can trespass and I loved that. I loved that she saw her creative masterpiece and her music so formulaically and thought she was crazy when she went about making it a reality in that particular way but that's exactly how I see art. I can't help drawing or writing something or even listening to something if it doesn't make me see a world and tell me a story of people within it's little themed and color schemed lifestyle.
She mentions all the artists I would've associated with that new-world-creation technique like the Arctic Monkeys or Lana del Rey who take you to this time and place that might not even exist but you get familiar with it and you identify as being part of that world and that intrigues me beyond belief. What makes us so fascinated by certain elements of existence that we constantly and tirelessly try to recreate them and build them up and define them in every form of our expression. I don't know why this feels so revolutionary to me when I grew reading everything I could find and entering a world of the author and my brain's creation, so why is it any different with music? But it's not everyday that you see a meticulous creation by a diligent artist who wants to translate this world their mind lives in to their listeners only to find there's a group of people who had similar constructs in their own imagination. I love that.
I've always wanted to do that with my art. Create a world from scratch, something all mine from start to finish, my colors, my buildings, my ambience, my lighting, my background music and that borderline obsession has been the sole motivator behind every single one of my creative endeavours. I'm still at that stage where I consume so much and my creation remains dormant because I'm absorbing so much but I get guilty and agitated and feel limited by a million factors (one of them, one of the biggest ones, myself) and that makes me angry and consequently uncreative. Which doesn't help, until one night at 1 in the morning I'm here listening to Halsey's live performance of "Roman Holiday" and I explode on this site I spend so much time thinking about and planning for but such a small time executing.
But, I'm getting better. I'm censoring myself less, I'm drawing more, I'm writing more, I'm being more honest with myself in terms of my daily decisions and doing more of what I aspire to do and thinking about the future which can be very pressuring because I can almost feel time ticking and I haven't even hit the milestone of my 18th year on this planet. So yeah, I may be a little silly for being disappointed for not having achieved enough by this time in my life because I'm still young and consummation is what I'm supposed to be doing. It's learning! But I'm not comparing to the norms and that's what ultimately drains me. My biggest weakness is my biggest strength and unfortunately but fortunately what makes me who I am and who I'm proud to be and who I'm constantly working on to improve.
I guess that's a little glimpse of what I was trying to say. I hope to come back to this in a few months or year's time and feel like I've accomplished a lot more from my little bedroom by my many little books here in little Doha.