Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Caffeine, Messy Buns and To-Do List Stress

That, guys, is my December in summary. Quite sad if I do say so myself.

I haven't written anything worth reading in so long, in fact I haven't written anything, full stop, and I'm not a fan of that. It's been hectic lately. Everytime I add something to my list of things that need to be done I feel the weight on my brain and the desire to escape any free time in order to avoid thinking about it or how I'm going to go about doing it. It's become so significant that I avoid planning things in the first place which ultimately leaves me sitting at home on a weekend night thinking well, it would've been worth it this one time, despite the fact that this scenario has happened over and over again and it rarely is worth the mental strain. I've somehow managed to make very simple and, allegedly, enjoyable things the main cause of stress for me.

The thing is I don't know where I'm going wrong. Every "10 STEPS TO BEING STRESS-FREE" article has been:

1. Relax
2. Reorganize
3. Declutter
4. Set goals
5. Make lists
6. Get enough slee-

yeah um clearly not feasible, internet.

Okay, if you've read anything else on here you know that whatever I write is an active thought process that sometimes begins as one thing and with one destination in mind and ends somewhere roughly 6 yards off the predetermined destination. I'm thinking, you know what, let's do this systematically. I know what I need to do and I know the reason none of it is working is because it's not a firm and consistent decision and habit-building process. I waver sometimes, whether it be impulsively or out of mere compliance and that needs to stop.

It's the first day of my winter break, hence the time for some decent introspection that isn't taking place in small bursts in between the acres of work of first term of junior year. And I'm thinking these next 17 days are more than enough to sort my anti-unncessary-stress tactics, so might as well start now. The only time I would be at peace with myself is when I have taken these steps seriously, committed to them and then had them not work for me, but until then the goal is to take it seriously and see where that takes me.


1. Identify stressors


Apparently step one is to identify what's stressing you out and getting rid of it. Who would've known.
  • The school workload and the vagueness when it comes to how much I should actually be spending on it 
  • The effort it takes to do things with my friends when it comes to permission and the inevitably reoccurring yet not any less hard-hitting realisation that I'm still under someone else's control
  • The social responsibility I feel for not being understanding of everyone when I just want to be selfish for a while
  • The lack of motivation I feel to do things and get myself out of the mentality that "I gotta do what I gotta do" because I feel like I'm wasting my responsibility-free time of life
  • The fact that I'm seventeen and still can't drive around here
  • The effort and emotional/physical/timing investment it takes to maintain functioning relationships with the people around me
  • The fact that sometimes the passive group pressure to conform to social norms and go out every weekend gets to me and I get that feeling of missing out
  • The fact that sometimes I choose to not do anything, enjoy my time temporarily, but then feel like I've wasted even more time and didn't even get anything done
  • The fact that I insist on making sure my time is spent getting something done and how it drives me crazy 
  • The feeling I get when I make plans and they immediately lose the buzz and become a full on stress-provoking weight - regardless of whether I genuinely want to be part of those plans or not - up until the minute I'm back home and I know I won't have anything in a few days or so.
  • The fact that some people don't understand the effort I invest into a million things and expect the 100% from me in everything
  • The feeling that many things would be different - for the better - if more of the decisions that affected me were solely in my hands.

2. Unnecessary Commitments

Another thing is eliminating unnecessary commitments which I've already tried to do but sometimes I feel like in the moment I'm willing to add to my commitment load and it's not until I'm sitting there looking at the overwhelming and dauntingly long to-do list with a hundred rapidly approaching deadlines that I think, "well. shit." 

BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM - I won't admit that "well. shit." moment out loud. Hell, I won't even admit it to myself for longer than .3 seconds. I can't have that. I can't bail on things voluntarily and I never do, I see things till the end even when I know the odds are it's 99 to 1 in the can't do to can do ratio. And that is what mentally kills me because I persist and say "nah man, it's all good, i can handle it" and that triggers that tied up small part of my brain to constantly say "nononononono"until 1. i do end up making it happen, which is rare or 2. i don't make it happen and i spend a good 3 days hating that aspect of my personality but not tackling it all. What bothers me is I won't hesitate much to point out or acknowledge a flaw in my character or otherwise, but when it comes to this "perfectionist (?)" thing, n o w a y.

So, I guess more importantly than acknowledging my stressors and unnecessary commitments, I should work on saying "I don't got this" every once in a while. I guess in this aspect many people will just say I do this to myself and I stress myself out so I shouldn't be complaining but I genuinely don't know how to not do that. It's the most resilient and active(ly stubborn) part of my character.



3. Procrastination, 4. Disorganisation, 5. Lateness

These are not my issue, so we'll just put those in the personally irrelevant corner for now unless they make an appearance elsewhere.


4. Control

I've practically talked about this one already. I'm a crazy control freak when it comes to my life events and workload. Which is interesting because I don't have the possessiveness that often comes along with control. I don't want control over people or things, I want control over my personal response and position with regards to people or things and that's not always feasible. I feel like I've single-handedly built up my anxiety to a point that so many insignificant and minor things have the ability to push me out of harmony. But I guess the fact that I have near-complete apathy when it comes to taking control of people I guess I've got half the problem pre-sorted.


5. Multitasking

This doesn't work. At all. Please future self, single-task is the way to go.


6. Energy Drains

Another tricky one.

I can't eliminate my biggest energy drainers because I'm constantly in a position of inner conflict when it comes to them. I want to do all these things that drain my energy because I have this fear of coming to a point in my life and thinking I should've done this or I should've done that. And I know regret or thoughts like that are inevitable but I want to at least wholeheartedly believe that I did everything I wanted to do that was within my reach. But see, I sound so sane and logical when I say "within my reach" but my brain does not aim solely for what's within my reach, I reach for farther and try to make it happen because if not now, then when?  If it weren't for the degree of social responsibility I feel (which also stresses me out, as I've pointed out about a million times) this is the time of my life with the least responsibility and I should be making the best of it by doing what I want and being selfish and stupid and carefree. I miss feeling that, or more appropriately, feeling entitled to feel that.


7. Simplify, Unschedule and Slow Down

I need to make plans to spend time with myself. Keep blocks of time not only event-free but thought-free. There's no harm in not thinking every now and again, the world isn't going to collapse when it doesn't have my full attention. I don't need 19 hours of attentive and detail-oritented consciousness when I could have 15 calm thought-free hour days and a good night's sleep once every a few weeks. Ideally I need to focus on what matters and tone it down with the mile-long to-do lists with voluntary-yet-unnecessary-and-unthought-too-stubborn-to-cancel tasks.


8. Quit Work

Yeah, the word "quit" is repelling as it is.

I've actually quit a couple of things already that have been stressing me to the point of tears, which as you know if you know me well, that's not how I roll. I like to avoid that aspect of human emotion as much as possible and for the most part I'm successful and like to keep it that way. H o w e v e r, right now it's not really possible to quit any more things and sometimes it just feels like this is the time to be doing a million and one things because it's the whole planning for future while trying to stay sane and keep friends time of the infamous Teenage Experience. But hey, I'll try to remain on the lookout for shit that needs to go, for good.


9. Exercise and Eat Healthy

I love how this destressifying technique is in itself a source of stress for me, wow :')

I've been trying so hard to balance out my diet and work out regularly but whenever I have time to go to the gym I'm too deep in disbelief that I have time to breathe something that isn't responsibility to get out of bed, let alone do Insanity for an hour. All my motivation coins are being spent on things that are equally and sometimes more important than exercise but I have to live in my body and see it quite too often and being unhappy about that is not only frustrating because I feel stupid and whiny, but it's just stress that I don't need any of so I'm still trying. As you do.


10. Stay Zen

I love this one because I know how effective good vibes are on me and a 'zen' atmosphere should do the trick, at least temporarily. This usually involves the stupid "declutter !!!!!!!" every article about this topic seems to have but it really does have a profound effect on my productivity and well being. Right now I feel uncomfortable because I know my clothes are still in a mini pile on my bed and my books are on my desk with my brush and my hard drive and a phone case (???) My brain just has a way of transforming physical clutter in my room into this mental clutter that piles inside my head and makes me feel claustrophobic in myO WN BRAIN HOW????????????


Ah. I feel like that might have helped just a little in processing everything that's been going on lately, at least the mental pile feels a little more structured and I know how to handle different little things. And I'm glad I still remember to do this whenever I can because I want to be able to look back at this ages from now and notice how my thought process took place and what changed my mind and how I felt about different aspects of life and coped with them, stress being one of the most significant ones. This website I found that really did help me with this whole sorting out my life thing is www.zenhabits.net which in itself sounds calming! So I thought I'd put it right here just in case anybody was insane enough to read all the way down here...or if you just "tl;dr" it and scrolled down to find it.


Okay wow done.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

Where I Come To Terms With Things (And Cross Things Out)

It's October
Yes, you bet you can trust me to be a very precise calendar.
You're welcome.

I felt the theme "Beginnings" for September worked very well considering I've been conditioned to having an extra NYE in September since the school year is practically what my life is scheduled around, but Rookie's Yearbook One's theme of "Secrets" for October wasn't the right vibe for me this month, so let's scrap that idea that didn't survive a month in my very temperamental brain and write what I wanna write. Okay? Okay.

This whole 'Valuable Teenage Experience Best Years of My Life' thing has been quite good to me lately, I think. I'm at a point where I'm supposed to be fairly certain of where I want to go for university and what I want to pursue for the rest of my life or for the rest of however long I want to pursue that something - and I don't know on what end of the popular/unpopular scale of opinions this fits into - but at this point in time I'm not flustered or nervous or confused. I know what I want and if I change my mind, then I'll just know what I want again. It's built up to feel like a do or die moment when it really isn't. I take it very seriously because this is coming from the girl who's had a countdown for the day she finally leaves school and starts living how she chooses, so you know I'm not playing. But see that's a little bit of the problem. 


I've talked about the whole romanticism of teenage years over and over and over again but I just can't help but refer back to it because almost everyday a teacher or another adult in my life tells me that I should be cherishing and enjoying and taking full advantage of every opportunity that is ever presented to me. Some say they want to live vicariously through us but others are almost bitter about the fact that they would be doing things differently if they had the chance. And I don't think it's just pressurising, because personally I don't find it pressurising in the slightest, it's an awful way to go about your life. I understand all the advantages and privileges some of us have in our hands and I'm all for making the best of your time but the whole "best days of your life" is - with all due respect - bullshit.



I wouldnt want these years to be the predetermined best years of my life because that's just fuc


That is how my brain works. I write forever and then hear the voice in my head and she sounds dumb and I stop and I erase it all, but you know what, I'm not going to this time because I need to get over the fact that not everything I ever write or think or say is coherent or of some profound value. It's exactly what it says on the tin and the label does not promise you perfect.

I struggle with this, big time. Because the whole stress of perfecting something that you're assigned or that you've set out to do actually plagues my writing and my art and my brain. It has remarkably gotten better thanks to this wonderful little release zone and I'm not as afraid as I used to be of presenting something incomplete or flawed or just "dumb" because it's perceptual. The whole damn world is going to form an opinion on everything the people in their lives do; regardless of whether they always speak those opinions or not. So why bother pre-criticising myself and stressing to the point that whatever I was going to make in the first place is trimmed and erased and touched up until it doesn't even exist. It's not reshaping an idea or building it up it's deforming it. And there's nothing I hate more than that.

So here you go. This post is practically useless but I've realised this whole mentality shift to "I do what I want because I want to" thing I've had over the summer is a key change and I don't want it to be a "3 steps forward, 4 steps back" thing now that I'm back under the social and academic pressure of the 10 month pseudo-year of school. I want to be able to stand by both my very coherent thoughts and my jumbled mess of absolute nothingness because I am both and I need to accept it because this instilled perfectionism will drive me absolutely crazy otherwise and I like the amount of crazy I have going on for me right now.

(Also why the shit are the pictures on some of my other posts gone. I am hella confused but also too lazy to do anything about it soz)

Sunday, 7 September 2014

Junior Year (And Other American Terms That Bother My British Friends)


For Rookie's first year online (and the first issue Yearbook One) Tavi wrote an 'editor's letter' all about beginnings for September and since the book (and the site) is designed to follow the school system, it's very refreshing to read through it as my actual time in school starts (and very quickly, will end) I thought I'd try this year to follow along with the themes of Rookie's Yearbook One and write something monthly for each one. And well, Beginnings seems highly appropriate considering today was my 'induction day' of junior year (and I'm going to repeatedly use the term 'junior year' because I go to a British school and they call it sixth form so it bothers them if I use any American terms. You're welcome.)

Hm. Beginnings. Today was essentially a "get-to-know-people-but-also-wORRYABOUTUNIVERSITYANDLIFE" kind of day, and I'd say it was a sudden change from slow summer vibes to sudden freak out sessions, but I had a week in advance of doing my own frantic university and "life" research, "life" being what I want to study for another 4 years of my life, and perhaps even more. But despite a l l l l l l of that, I still find it exciting because sometimes I forget about the fact that education is still a privilege that I've been lucky enough to get, especially an education of this standard and that makes me feel like I have some sort of purpose in life. 

I mean, I suppose I already know I have a purpose in life and it doesn't revolve around my grades or what unis will be blessed to have me on their campus (totally serious here), but it's still very very reassuring to have a systematic way of going about life. Late high school is essentially all about getting shit done and there is a lot less manic teacher control over every move you make, but I'm glad we're slowly eased out of the Everything Is Structured And Spoon-fed To You thing, because I would be in quite a shock if suddenly it was all just up to me to figure out. That would suck big time. And this is coming from me, someone who is all about being independent and doing things alone without interference or interruptions. It's still daunting, nonetheless. 

And that is why I've decided to embrace these little starters I'm borrowing from the lovely Rookie, to represent my own last years of structure and system in a series of 10 posts from September to June, entirely for my benefit because I'd like to focus on pinpointing the changes and development, and if I look back and think this post sounds ridiculously annoying, then it'll be something to celebrate because thank god, I would've changed.

Thursday, 4 September 2014

It's September Already?


Well, hello.

School starts in 2 days and as always it's the time to recap on the summer and whine about how it all flew by far too quickly, but to be honest, I'm not feeling that this year. I feel like this summer has been oddly therapeutic with my non-existent internet connection and abundance of time to actually do things and routine it all up in a way that doesn't make me detest getting out of the bed before noon. I feel like I've accomplished more than I would've if I did have wifi, just because of how much easier it is to just watch things or read things online for hours on end from the comfort of my bed, but thank god that wasn't the case. But the reason I feel it was therapeutic is because I didn't swing right back into my old habits when I came back home, instead I've been very frugal with my time and reading as much as I used to before all t h i s came along.

Last summer was quite magical and I'm not quite sure how to sum up all the reasons that made it that way because some are perplexing and others are just a little bit a teenagery (I'm all for abstinence when it comes to using the word 'angst') but this summer, I felt like I've changed in ways I'm quite satisfied with. And because of the time I've dedicated to just being with myself and my thoughts, I noticed the change. And I really loved that. Because you don't get that sweet pleasure of seeing how you change and grow while you're at school or just throughout the hectic action of the year and you reach the summer and sometimes you're surprised you changed and others you're sad because you haven't really. And despite my discomfort towards certain types of change, I feel like this change is exciting and it's part of the whole Life Experience that I'm trying to absorb every little bit of. 

I reread the Fault in Our Stars very intently over summer for the nth time and came to the realisation that despite my continuous agreement with Hazel on her opinion towards Gus's fear of "oblivion", I might just have a little of that too. Maybe not oblivion per se, but the complex of self-transcendence and self-actualisation. Thanks Abraham Maslow, your stupid pyramid is causing me nothing but brain hurricanes. Self-transcendence is the quality or state of being transcendent; surpassing or exceeding ordinary limits and self-actualisation is the achievement of one's full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity and a grasp of the real world. And what brought that thought to me was the idea (or more pertinently, the struggle) of choosing what I want to do for the rest of my existence on this planet - otherwise called picking what the hell I want to study at uni. 

And it suddenly hit me, and this is a sad thought that I associate with the inability to notice habits forming or change taking place throughout the year, that I've been putting myself down so frequently that my brain has completely accepted that as being reality. When it isn't. I never had this problem when I was younger and I know it because I took on tons and tons of tasks and knew that I was 110% capable of accomplishing them all to the best of my ability which was going to be pretty fucking bomb.com because I put in every fibre of my being into making everything I did fully represent me and my hardworking qualities. And I didn't know I had lost that to some extent. The thing is it was such a fundamental trait that seeing it deteriorate even the slightest bit, hurt. Really bad. And because of that little twinge of regret I thought I was going to go for what I truly wanted regardless of any misconceptions or fears or hesitations I had thrown at me left and right. 

I think that is a very important reason as to why this summer was less about romanticism and late night thoughts with Lana del Rey as my soundtrack and more about the hard-hitting and often brusque nature of reality. Not to say that I undermine romanticism as being a very important part of my reality, but I've been avoiding this - perhaps subconsciously - for too long. I feel the spirit I used to have within me burning again and I absolutely love that. It makes me feel happy and new and fresh  and like a Hiba 2.0 which is a very lovely way to start the year. I also bought a Femme Fatale shirt that should always remind me of who I want to be, not who I become after months of no true self evaluation and introspection.

My summer was quite photogenic too, so I thought I'd leave a little album here because it makes me happy to look back on while still really looking forward to getting back to work. 

i s t a n b u l , t u r k e y









r o a d t r i p s     i n     m o r o c c o 

m a r r a k e ch , m o r o c c o 

j e m a a    e l    f n a , m a r r a k e c h




j a r d i n s    m a j o r e l l e , m a r r a k e c h




I hope you all had a beautiful summer.


Monday, 7 July 2014

♡ June Favorites ♡

Over the past month I've been enjoying the complete absence of homework and assignments and revision and since it's consequently Ramadan too, my hobby has become to lounge around reading or writing or drawing or most of all, watching every vlogbrothers/crash course video to have ever existed. Ever. And to be honest, it has been quite a fantastic start to the summer. My best friend Haya started a blog which you can check out right here and her summer buys post (and great interest in some brill beauty gurus on youtube) made me want to make my own little june favorites list because why not.

Also if you haven't got your Adblock turned on, you can pick out the items mentioned in this post and buy them off amazon directly from here :)




Crop Top - H&M
This might be my absolute favorite thing in my closet right now especially that I've also got the next item to pair it with

 High-Waisted Jeans - H&M
I found a pair of high-waisted in Top Shop and they were like 90 dollars so I just laughed hysterically, cried a little and left the store. BUT H&M CAME TO MY RESCUE WITH THE MOST WONDERFUL PAIR FOR 14 BUCKS like hmmmmm thank you. I don't know man, it was a good day okay. 

Flower Crown - DIY
Petals - Some department store
Making flower crowns is my favorite thing in the world because it is so much fun when I'm not burning myself with the hot glue gun. I couldn't find any plastic flowers around here so I bought a set of petals (don't ask me why they sell petals but not flowers) and tried to CREATE MY OWN FLOWERS. And then took the easy way out and glued them to a headband - wahey voila.

Crushed Raspberries Home Fragrance - City Lifestyle (Centerpoint)
I don't know what else to say about this except for the fact that it makes my room smell like a meadow of mystique and marvellous crushed raspberries (boom. i can explain scents)

The Fault in Our Stars Soundtrack - Buy It Here
I don't own a hardcopy of this beautiful piece of magic but I've been listening to it non-stop and I swear, I had goosebumps when Wait by M83 played at the end of the movie that I just had to get it the second I got home. 

The Fault in Our Stars - John Green
This is just the all-time classic in my life but since the movie came out on the 12th here, I had to reread it! So definitely definitely definitely a June favorite. And an always favorite. 


Paper Towns - John Green 
This list is a whole lot of John Green but yes since I found out that Paper Towns was also coming out in movie form and I also was having serious cravings for more Green-ness after watching TFiOS, I had to read this for the nth time.


A while ago there was a garage sale in my neighbourhood and I managed to get all 5 books for 4 bucks or so which just makes me happy inside. Over the past few months I've come around to finally finishing all 5 them and I'm thinking about reviewing a couple at some point :)

Franny and Zooey - J.D. Salinger 
A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
The Woman Who Walked Into Doors - Roddy Doyle 
The Accidental - Ali Smith
Sharp Objects - Gillian Flynn 


Wreck This Journal - Keri Smith
I found this book on my doorstep one night which sounds so weird but it was totally unexpected and it had my name on the front cover and even though I mentioned it to my friends, nobody has come forward and told me that it was them who left it so now I'm just really confused. But I thought while being confused I might as well start with it and these are a couple of the pages I did recently and quite liked! 




My last favorite is going to be a YouTube channel actually for all of you who miraculously haven't heard of Crash Course or SciShow because um. You should. You're missing out. Big time!


 You are very welcome 

Annnnnnddddd that's all :) I've been trying to write a little bit more here but I've been writing things for Lifehack.org which you can check out here and here if you feel like it and also got a few things up on Teen Ink if you'd like to give that a look too. I'm going to be travelling soon which is very exciting because that means I'll have lots to write about here and also really good lighting since I want to film a bunch of videos but my room just doesn't understand my absolute need for good natural lighting. 

Wednesday, 18 June 2014

Incoherent Thoughts About The Fault in Our Stars

Few Spoilers (I think) 

I think this movie has single handedly broken me. I don't know what to say or how to feel and this me being incoherent after watching it for the second time. I don't know what to even focus on because there's so much to say but I'm going to try and start somewhere. That somewhere will be the source of this perfect heartbreaking mess of a movie, and that is the book.

This book felt so real. Hazel and Gus weren't just characters and when Peter Van Houten tried to convince them that Anna and An Imperial Affliction was just fiction, I didn't want to hear it. I felt like a little bit of the story itself was trying to give me a wake up call and I wasn't prepared for that particular call. The story is beautiful. I cannot even begin to try and call it a cliche because it takes one read or one watch for you to know that it isn't. It really really isn't. 

I didn't want him to go. I have never been that attached to a character before and it hurts because I know it's all fiction and I've had a million characters die on me but this wasn't the same. This hit close to home. I don't know how John Green manage to make them so real and so present but he did. And being one of the biggest anti-making-TFiOS-into-a-movie spokesperson, I applaud the creators behind it because it was - simply put - beautiful. 

It did make me more hopeful and more grateful and more thankful but it wasn't just some reality check. It made me happy and it gave me a true understanding of what it means to make the best of whatever life you have. Oblivion should be the least of our worries because who would pay attention to being remembered after they're gone when they have the present. It's the only thing we guarantee and it's horrifying because especially at my age, it's all about plans. All about I'll do this when I can and I'll go there and I'll be with these people and I'll see these things and and and and. And none of it is guaranteed. Nothing past the current second you are living is guaranteed and that scares me. I don't know if I'm making the best of it yet at the same time I don't want to be so caught up in making everything matter that I end up back in the worrying about oblivion. 

We've all got a set time on this earth and sometimes what we're missing is on its way but we can't just give up and do nothing and wait for it. We can't just sit and plan it and think about it and wish for it. We need to make the best out of whatever time we have. And I HATE that I'm making some sort of life lesson out of this but this is how I cope with loss. I deny it.

I feel like I should be mourning the loss of somebody so eloquent and valuable and just like Hazel's dad said, it does feel like a privilege to have known him. And to have known her.

It is beyond strange how I can feel this connection to fictional characters but I am not going to question it because there is no harm in me just believing in them. And I'm going to keep things that way.

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Just Faces

I'm sitting in the airport because my dad's on his way back home and we're picking him up and it's 12:16 in the morning. Essentially, thank god for wifi. So many people here are waiting for their transit flights and the only reason I have the time to even consider writing something is because the flight got delayed by an hour. How pleasant. 

But ah, being in places like airports comes with inevitable people-watching and that's always more exciting when the people are constantly moving, arriving somewhere brand new, leaving for good, coming back from holiday or going on holiday and everyone's mind sets are so so so different. This sort of sudden realization that all the faces around me have lives behind them is so strange because for some reason I don't assume them to? 

A couple walked past me and they were dressed like such hipsters it's ridiculous (and that's a good thing in case you haven't assumed that already) and sometimes what comes with this whole "faces without stories" thing is I end up envisioning the best possible reality for these characters. Sometimes the best reality is exciting and filled with so much drama I've managed to suck out of the tons of media I've consumed, I imagine their friendship or relationship dynamics, their personalities, the place they were in and the places they've been. It's almost ridiculous how carried away I get sometimes but there's no harm in that I suppose. 

It still disassociates me from the strangers because I've resorted to drawing conclusions about their lives that I forget that that's not actually reality. It's almost like live-storytelling really, not sure how else to put it. But I wish I could record those thoughts and alternate fictional lives more often, because they're the source of storytelling. Ideas come from just living and being around all these faces. You can't force those really raw ideas at your desk while you stare at an intimidating blinking line of a word document, in fact that blanking little shit scares them all away.

I don't know. This is all because of that seemingly interesting-looking couple :') god damn it, do I get carried away too much. That took me 17 minutes to spew out. I'm getting good at this whole spontaneous post-before-you-regret-it thing.

Thursday, 5 June 2014

This Ended A Lot Differently Than I Thought It Would

Wahey hello. So it's Thursday morning and I'm on study leave, and without plans or anything I thought I'd spend all morning making lunch and while I was in the whole kitcheny mood I thought I'd bake cookies and make a hella perfect cup of coffee to go along with it. My morning was quite wonderful, to say the least. The reason I'm getting into all the little details that normally I wouldnt put in a blog post is because I just watched the pilot of 'Awkward.' and in it, Jenna - the protagonist - is running a blog where she talks about her life as it is and I suppose it's all for comic relief, because everyone knows a little of that every now and again can make everything just a little bit better. But I can't seem to do that. I struggle with saying things just the way they are and feel like I should probably be picking at my thoughts and filtering what to say and what not to say. And I suppose there's nothing wrong with that sometimes, but I'd like to be more in control of my inhibitions, maybe push them away when I know I want to be honest or talk about honest feelings (ugh) or whatever it is.

I can't push this topic away completely because it's something I've still not managed to fix. In a situation where I'm talking to somebody about something, wether it's personal or in depth or whatever it is, I can never bring myself to say how I completely feel about them/things because I have to run whatever I want to say through a whole check and that just ends up with the conversation moving forward and them not knowing completely how I feel about things or situations. This is difficult to explain when I'm keeping it hypothetical, but unlike Jenna I'm not too sure I want to lay it all out the way it is because it's a little unnecessary...and to be completely honest, would make me far too uncomfortable to write and the last thing I want is to run away from this again and stop altogether for another 3 months or so.

I feel like having text be the most used medium of conversation between me and the people I'm close to adds a whole other set of obstacles to this because I have the time and the ability to think it through a few too many times. And sometimes if important conversations are held through text, the person you're talking to only knows how you're feeling or how you're reacting to things through the way you type to them. And that is so goddamn limited. The smallest details they could possibly pick up on would be the increased use of punctuation or the disappearance of most emoticons and that is such a shallow idea of how you are actually feeling. So in this scenario, I feel like the most obvious way to let them know exactly how you feel would be to tell them but I would never be able to take myself seriously if I were to bluntly say "I have the biggest lump in my throat right now and I don't even feel like crying or screaming, I just feel numb" because all I would be thinking is "Brilliant, now I sound just like some goddamn attention seeking drama queen off a cliched sitcom." So no. That won't work.

But what's the alternative? What's the alternative to not being able to talk in person and heavily relying on this form of communication when your feelings are hard enough to put across when you're face to face. I can very easily put on an unfazed face and carry on discussion or argument like nothing is bothering me when I really want to, and surprise, surprise, it's not any harder to do that on text when you could just carry on talking like normal but this is worrying me because I have the whole apathetic thing going on (most of the time or sometimes or rarely, depending on who you ask) and I don't want that to be the only thing people expect of me. I want to be a little more transparent and I want to let people know exactly how I feel about them; positive or negative, whenever I want to or feel the situation is appropriate. It's mainly about genuineness and honesty and time. Holy shit does time ever leave me alone.

Everything is constantly changing and everyone is running out of time and one day something you say will be the last thing you say to someone. Sometimes before they move away and you never see them again, sometimes when you see them every goddamn day but there is distance that cannot be easily crossed by plane or train or whatever. Sometimes when that void is created, that's it, you're screwed. You can't convince anybody to want to mend it with you if they're sick of it, you can't truly convince anyone to stay when they no longer want to and I'd hate to be the cause of the void. I'd hate to feel like something I was thinking the whole time but never said was something that could've stopped that void from even coming to existence. That's so worrying because sometimes no matter how much you mean your words, it always takes longer to prove them. Everything comes with time and everything is taken away with time. Sometimes when you're lucky, you could ask for forgiveness and have your quota of time to make everything better extended but sometimes you're not. Sometimes it's done and nothing you can say or do will change anything because it's "too late". And that is absolutely fucking (sorry, it's necessary) terrifying.

I hate it but that's just the way that it is and instead of complaining so much about it, I'm trying to wrap my head around it because it's really been bothering me. Just how precious and intricate everything is because everything is interlinked and sometimes things out of your control happen or sometimes you let things happen out of recklessness or by accident or sometimes just genuinely not thinking the consequences would be the way they turned out to be. But I think it helps you appreciate second chances too. Because this is someone or something giving you more of their time, or this is luck? or fate? I don't know which one works here but I think both could because there are a million situations that could be applied to my mess of a thought process and I know that something will bother me and mess with the way I think and act and speak continuously until I write about it. I've never quite realized just how cathartic writing was for me but everytime a thought is bothering me or I have questions, things just go wrong until I can do this. Do this and clear my brain entirely. I feel like everything is being put into the right folders and going in the right cabinets upstairs and that is really damn relieving.

I guess I learned a lot from Jenna, maybe a little more than she intended for me to take away from the 20 minutes I got to know her as she complained about being too awkward to be popular. Trust me to get a push to write that mess of a post because of one of MTV's creations. Wow. This was not what I intended it to be initially so I'm not going to reread it or I'll end up changing my mind about posting it.

Friday, 30 May 2014

♬ Playlist Fest ♬

I made a whole ton (ton meaning 3) of playlists over the past while and I realized I didn't put them on here, so wahey since I'm trying to maintain this constant presence around here I thought I'd put them up.


Genre: One big soup of genres: pop // party // dance // alt.

Track List:
CrushCrushCrush In The Dark
Die While We're Young
I Knew You Were A Heart Attack
Radioactive in the Dark
Valley of Applause
The Heart Attack Way
Can't Hold Us Take It Off
One More Heart Attack
Young & Beautiful Child
Rock My DNA
National Animal
Sex Anthem
Radioactive Pompeii
I Am Not Young & Beautiful
Radio Paradise
I Knew You Were Off To The Races
Can't Stop the Price Tag
Skyfall Anthem
Bleeding Summertime Sadness
The Heart Attack Way (Reversed)
Wrecking Grenade

☻ ☺ ☻ ☺ ☻ ☺ ☻


(featuring me sitting on Abigail's windowsill lol)

Genre: Alternative Rock

Track List:
Wicked Games - The Weeknd
Hanging On - Active Child
Fireside - Arctic Monkeys
Little House - The Fray
Runaway - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
How To Dress Well//Cold Nites Remix - Charli XCX
I Can't Stay Away - The Veronicas
Skins Rise Mini Mix - Segal


☻ ☺ ☻ ☺ ☻ ☺ ☻


(featuring me posing bc y not - very prom inspired obvs)

Genre: Electronic and Dream Pop (Are Lana and Marina a genre???)

Track List:
Queen of Disaster - Lana del Rey
Lost in my Bedroom - Sky Ferreira
Over the Love - Florence + The Machine
Teen Idle - Marina and the Diamonds
I Am Not Young & Beautiful Mix
How To Dress Well//Cold Nites Remix - Charli XCX
Habits (Hippie Sabotage Remix) - Tove Lo
Prom Song [Gone Wrong] - Lana del Rey

A n d
that's it ✌

Thursday, 29 May 2014

3 Months Later..

So I disappeared for a while.

Funny how my previous post was about time and how much of a mess it made of me. School has been on over drive over the past few months or so, with it being GCSE year and what not but at this point, since I only have 2 exams left in June (one at the beginning and the other conveniently 21 days later) I thought I should probably get back into writing and doing some art because I've been slacking on that b i g time. I currently have 5 complete posts chilling in my draft that I've written throughout the past couple of months but everytime I try to pick at them to make them better, I get discouraged and end up doing anything but -

Wow okay, wahey. I just got an email back from Ragged magazine's deputy editor saying that she was going to forward my email to the Editor-In-Chief. Well this is wonderful! There you have it, that's essentially what I've been doing since my exams have started: getting in contact with as many people as possible. I need incentive to write. Some sort of driving force or something because I have so much in my head but the ability to just type it up and publish without too much over thinking has been seriously lacking. I'm fighting it right now by trying to convince myself that an "update" post is still a valid post, at the end of the day this is my little chunk of internet, I can do whatever I like.

But yes! In the writing arena, this morning I woke up to two notifications from Teen Ink (an online and print magazine for teenagers, by teenagers) saying that my two movie reviews that I've posted here: this one & this one are in #1 and #2 on the main reviews page on the site for the day, being today's top voted. Let's just say I got really excited far too early in the morning.


Going back in time, a while ago I did a mini photo set for my iGCSE art course with a friend based on the theme of Fight Club. It was quite fun to be the one doing the makeup considering that's not quite my field of expertise (and that would be evident once you see the photos) but I was really really happy with it. 

During the magical process of me trying to create bruises with eyeshadow
      



 In addition to the "fight club-esque" photo set, I was working on a HUGE map of the USA where I plotted all the routes of road trips I wanted to go on the second I get my license and have just enough cash to get around. The concept behind the map before I even started plotting the routes was to mark all the places mentioned in Lana del Rey's music all the way back to her Elizabeth Grant days. I found so many locations and wrote them all down from the 7 Elevens to the stations to the restaurants and of course, Chateau Marmont.

After putting it all together, I lined the canvas with the titles of all of the songs I used and alternated colors to make it all super Americana. I didn't plan on using that for anything but for my art coursework I thought I could use it as a background for my objects/still life that I wanted to later draw. So I put this little one together, thinking it essentially summed up the American Dream/Reality. Somehow you can glamorize pills and lighters now more than ever and that's riveting. 



I'm only just realizing I did far too many photo stuff but whatever, let's hope they all go to my grade.



The last set I did was Lolita-inspired and in fact this comes with a funny story all of its own. For one of my final pieces I made this - which was inspired by the photo sets I was talking about:


And although I wasn't too happy with the way it turned out because I had been pressed for time and super stressed, I still liked the concept. But appaaarrreeenntttlly, the little piece of white fabric with the little red stain was seen to be quite inappropriate to be put on display. How awkward. And this could get me on to another enormous topic of why there is anyyyyyyyy stigma behind a bOdIly FuNcTiOn that is nEcESSaRy fOr thE HuMAn RaCe to PROcReAte :-) but I'm going to just pretend that subject doesn't exist for the time being. But yeah, found that to be quite amusing because it's embarrassing how "non-shock factor"-y it is in comparison to the fact that it was even worth pointing out l o l.

However r r r r r r r, quite happy about my other Year 11 piece being up on display because I worked ridiculously hard on it (by the way, it's supposed to say "We are lost" on the top hidden in the pink clouds but it's not that clear. I'm pointing it out even though ambiguity is what I was going for ??????????????


A n y w a y s aside from all the million art stuffs I've been up to, I haven't done much else. I read a couple of books that I haven't reviewed yet simply because I haven't had the time and I've bought tons of things for summer so I might haul them up or something, I don't know, not quite feeling that atm. BUT a lot has happened life-wise, aside from all the art stuff including 3 big events.

1. Orlando Trip
2. Prom
3. Well…I turned 16



1. There is no way I am adding a little Orlando bit in the middle of this update post because Orlando deserves a post all of its o w n. The trip to Orlando happened in October but it still feels so recent and it scares me in a while because this reminds me of the time post again. It doesn't feel that long ago but also, s o much has happened since then and so much has changed. 

Sometimes I wish I could go back and redo it and sometimes when I'm less greedy, I just wish I could be back there. But since I'm not going to get into it until I can phrase my feelings about Orlando, here's a super gorgeous selfie :-) (let's hope Robert doesn't see this or at least doesn't mind that he looks gross :-) xoxox) ((jk he's stunning obvss))


2. Prom is so overhyped guys, trust me.



Nonetheless, it was quite wonderful - we showed up in the classiest mean of transport possible (take a wild guess) and I had a purple and black dress which automatically means I was ecstatic to even be wearing it, who even cares about the event at that point. BUT I also got the most adorable picture taken with my darling, Abigail, and we should've honestly won cutest couple because look at us. 







ALSO OMG: I took a picture with the boys of our "super hip school band" which reminds me - we performed at the Museum of Islamic Arts Park at this thing called "Friday Night Live" and it was absolutely wonderful. I know knowing me I was probably pitchy a l  l l l l l l  l l   l over the place, but it was such a super lovely day altogether.
If you want to watch us then wahey, here you go!


↵ Use original player


3. You remember that one time I took a picture with cardboard cutouts of the One Direction boys outside the theatre to watch their movie and then blogged about it? Yes. That experience was more exciting than the day I turned 16 :-) I guess that's one thing I hyped up w a a a a y too much in my head :') I didn't end up disappointed and frankly my pre-16th birthday present was Orlando, so um not so much of an unexciting birthday there at a  l  l. But now that I'm 16, all I can think of is "oh my god 2 years till I'm 18"

Okay I just realized that I turned 16 like 6 months ago yet it's still here in this list of recent updates even though I've written twice since New Year's…..and Orlando was 7 months ago w h a t t h E H E L L.

I am so done tbh. I don't know time anymore. But it has been a good past couple of months or weeks or however long. Things have improved remarkably tbh over the recent few weeks and I'm happy with that.

Here you go. I overcame my post fear and I'm posting this even though NOBODY CARES :-D