Ah. Does the concept of time bother anybody else or am I slowly spiraling into madness? I've been trying to put some of this into words for quite a while now but it's only right now, at 11:53 pm, Monday night, that I feel like wow, maybe I can actually try and do this.
I don't know why I'm so hesitant. I feel like the second I get into it I'll get all the thoughts flooding back into my brain, making my thought process a complete and utter mess that I won't be able to decipher it until every relatively coherent thought disappears into oblivion.
Oblivion, man. That's another one I've been thinking about.
Time doesn't stop. And I've spent far too long making lists and setting countdowns to the supposed milestones of my life. I counted down to my 16th birthday and right now, I've got a countdown on my phone for my 18th. And that's a little sad. I have two conflicting thoughts right now: one is the fact that I should probably be filling up this time that I have with things I want to do. Actually going out there and d o i n g things I will remember and have stories to share about with people that I know are only passive on a long enough timeline, but for now they're here and I feel so insanely close to them and I want to be able to h a v e that time with them.
And on the other hand, I'm worried because this feeling that I'm wasting my time and not creating memories is stemming from my idolizations of certain milestones that I've associated with great adventures with lovely people in amazing places. That just sort of adds to the weight on the metaphoric shoulders of my brain. I know that it's not an overly romanticized idea of the whole "teenage years" thing because I don't see the harm in working towards it but sometimes I feel so restricted and limited and I keep thinking "damn it, I could be doing a million and one things right now that I'll look back on with excitement at my past self.
I feel like I have something to offer this outside world that's constantly pulsating and I suppose living in such a small isolated place in the world and seeing the life on the outside is like a lion being out in a cage right in the centre of the wilderness. He wants to join in and he wants to be part of that because he knows he belongs right in the "literal heart" of that lifestyle. I've written so many "bucketlist" type things that include everything from going on holiday with some friends to driving around a place like the US or anywhere exciting really to simple things like having bonfires or camping or stargazing or ah just anything. Anything that makes me feel something. Anything that makes me feel excited and passionate and interested and creative like a little ball of pure energy. I crave that so much and I just don't know where to find it.
I strayed so much from the topic, oops, but essentially, I've been feeling like everything is passive. Thoughts, feelings, seconds and people. People are a really passive element. People show up and then they leave, and in a while it feels like you've only had 2 days with them and it just wasn't enough. So I try to make the best of whatever time that's left and try and do some of the things I know I will be very happy and excited doing rather than sitting here wanting them to. I know so many of those things are out of my control or just not my sector of topics to manage at the moment.
But I'm trying the best I can with whatever I'm lucky to have.
So wow that is all irrelevant but I'm falling asleep so I'm going to actually allow my body to pass out (as if I had a choice) rather than type a bunch of meaningless shit and embarrass myself ✌️
I will be back with this. I know I will be.
Update 6:47 am: Yep, some of this makes no sense and I didn't even post it last night. Oops.