Tuesday, 17 June 2014

Incoherent Thoughts About The Fault in Our Stars



Few Spoilers (I think) 

I think this movie has single handedly broken me. I don't know what to say or how to feel and this me being incoherent after watching it for the second time. I don't know what to even focus on because there's so much to say but I'm going to try and start somewhere. That somewhere will be the source of this perfect heartbreaking mess of a movie, and that is the book.

This book felt so real. Hazel and Gus weren't just characters and when Peter Van Houten tried to convince them that Anna and An Imperial Affliction was just fiction, I didn't want to hear it. I felt like a little bit of the story itself was trying to give me a wake up call and I wasn't prepared for that particular call. The story is beautiful. I cannot even begin to try and call it a cliche because it takes one read or one watch for you to know that it isn't. It really really isn't. 

I didn't want him to go. I have never been that attached to a character before and it hurts because I know it's all fiction and I've had a million characters die on me but this wasn't the same. This hit close to home. I don't know how John Green manage to make them so real and so present but he did. And being one of the biggest anti-making-TFiOS-into-a-movie spokesperson, I applaud the creators behind it because it was - simply put - beautiful. 

It did make me more hopeful and more grateful and more thankful but it wasn't just some reality check. It made me happy and it gave me a true understanding of what it means to make the best of whatever life you have. Oblivion should be the least of our worries because who would pay attention to being remembered after they're gone when they have the present. It's the only thing we guarantee and it's horrifying because especially at my age, it's all about plans. All about I'll do this when I can and I'll go there and I'll be with these people and I'll see these things and and and and. And none of it is guaranteed. Nothing past the current second you are living is guaranteed and that scares me. I don't know if I'm making the best of it yet at the same time I don't want to be so caught up in making everything matter that I end up back in the worrying about oblivion. 

We've all got a set time on this earth and sometimes what we're missing is on its way but we can't just give up and do nothing and wait for it. We can't just sit and plan it and think about it and wish for it. We need to make the best out of whatever time we have. And I HATE that I'm making some sort of life lesson out of this but this is how I cope with loss. I deny it.

I feel like I should be mourning the loss of somebody so eloquent and valuable and just like Hazel's dad said, it does feel like a privilege to have known him. And to have known her.

It is beyond strange how I can feel this connection to fictional characters but I am not going to question it because there is no harm in me just believing in them. And I'm going to keep things that way.

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