Thursday, 5 June 2014

This Ended A Lot Differently Than I Thought It Would



Wahey hello. So it's Thursday morning and I'm on study leave, and without plans or anything I thought I'd spend all morning making lunch and while I was in the whole kitcheny mood I thought I'd bake cookies and make a hella perfect cup of coffee to go along with it. My morning was quite wonderful, to say the least. The reason I'm getting into all the little details that normally I wouldnt put in a blog post is because I just watched the pilot of 'Awkward.' and in it, Jenna - the protagonist - is running a blog where she talks about her life as it is and I suppose it's all for comic relief, because everyone knows a little of that every now and again can make everything just a little bit better. But I can't seem to do that. I struggle with saying things just the way they are and feel like I should probably be picking at my thoughts and filtering what to say and what not to say. And I suppose there's nothing wrong with that sometimes, but I'd like to be more in control of my inhibitions, maybe push them away when I know I want to be honest or talk about honest feelings (ugh) or whatever it is.

I can't push this topic away completely because it's something I've still not managed to fix. In a situation where I'm talking to somebody about something, wether it's personal or in depth or whatever it is, I can never bring myself to say how I completely feel about them/things because I have to run whatever I want to say through a whole check and that just ends up with the conversation moving forward and them not knowing completely how I feel about things or situations. This is difficult to explain when I'm keeping it hypothetical, but unlike Jenna I'm not too sure I want to lay it all out the way it is because it's a little unnecessary...and to be completely honest, would make me far too uncomfortable to write and the last thing I want is to run away from this again and stop altogether for another 3 months or so.

I feel like having text be the most used medium of conversation between me and the people I'm close to adds a whole other set of obstacles to this because I have the time and the ability to think it through a few too many times. And sometimes if important conversations are held through text, the person you're talking to only knows how you're feeling or how you're reacting to things through the way you type to them. And that is so goddamn limited. The smallest details they could possibly pick up on would be the increased use of punctuation or the disappearance of most emoticons and that is such a shallow idea of how you are actually feeling. So in this scenario, I feel like the most obvious way to let them know exactly how you feel would be to tell them but I would never be able to take myself seriously if I were to bluntly say "I have the biggest lump in my throat right now and I don't even feel like crying or screaming, I just feel numb" because all I would be thinking is "Brilliant, now I sound just like some goddamn attention seeking drama queen off a cliched sitcom." So no. That won't work.

But what's the alternative? What's the alternative to not being able to talk in person and heavily relying on this form of communication when your feelings are hard enough to put across when you're face to face. I can very easily put on an unfazed face and carry on discussion or argument like nothing is bothering me when I really want to, and surprise, surprise, it's not any harder to do that on text when you could just carry on talking like normal but this is worrying me because I have the whole apathetic thing going on (most of the time or sometimes or rarely, depending on who you ask) and I don't want that to be the only thing people expect of me. I want to be a little more transparent and I want to let people know exactly how I feel about them; positive or negative, whenever I want to or feel the situation is appropriate. It's mainly about genuineness and honesty and time. Holy shit does time ever leave me alone.

Everything is constantly changing and everyone is running out of time and one day something you say will be the last thing you say to someone. Sometimes before they move away and you never see them again, sometimes when you see them every goddamn day but there is distance that cannot be easily crossed by plane or train or whatever. Sometimes when that void is created, that's it, you're screwed. You can't convince anybody to want to mend it with you if they're sick of it, you can't truly convince anyone to stay when they no longer want to and I'd hate to be the cause of the void. I'd hate to feel like something I was thinking the whole time but never said was something that could've stopped that void from even coming to existence. That's so worrying because sometimes no matter how much you mean your words, it always takes longer to prove them. Everything comes with time and everything is taken away with time. Sometimes when you're lucky, you could ask for forgiveness and have your quota of time to make everything better extended but sometimes you're not. Sometimes it's done and nothing you can say or do will change anything because it's "too late". And that is absolutely fucking (sorry, it's necessary) terrifying.

I hate it but that's just the way that it is and instead of complaining so much about it, I'm trying to wrap my head around it because it's really been bothering me. Just how precious and intricate everything is because everything is interlinked and sometimes things out of your control happen or sometimes you let things happen out of recklessness or by accident or sometimes just genuinely not thinking the consequences would be the way they turned out to be. But I think it helps you appreciate second chances too. Because this is someone or something giving you more of their time, or this is luck? or fate? I don't know which one works here but I think both could because there are a million situations that could be applied to my mess of a thought process and I know that something will bother me and mess with the way I think and act and speak continuously until I write about it. I've never quite realized just how cathartic writing was for me but everytime a thought is bothering me or I have questions, things just go wrong until I can do this. Do this and clear my brain entirely. I feel like everything is being put into the right folders and going in the right cabinets upstairs and that is really damn relieving.

I guess I learned a lot from Jenna, maybe a little more than she intended for me to take away from the 20 minutes I got to know her as she complained about being too awkward to be popular. Trust me to get a push to write that mess of a post because of one of MTV's creations. Wow. This was not what I intended it to be initially so I'm not going to reread it or I'll end up changing my mind about posting it.

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