Thursday, 4 September 2014

It's September Already?

Well, hello.

School starts in 2 days and as always it's the time to recap on the summer and whine about how it all flew by far too quickly, but to be honest, I'm not feeling that this year. I feel like this summer has been oddly therapeutic with my non-existent internet connection and abundance of time to actually do things and routine it all up in a way that doesn't make me detest getting out of the bed before noon. I feel like I've accomplished more than I would've if I did have wifi, just because of how much easier it is to just watch things or read things online for hours on end from the comfort of my bed, but thank god that wasn't the case. But the reason I feel it was therapeutic is because I didn't swing right back into my old habits when I came back home, instead I've been very frugal with my time and reading as much as I used to before all t h i s came along.

Last summer was quite magical and I'm not quite sure how to sum up all the reasons that made it that way because some are perplexing and others are just a little bit a teenagery (I'm all for abstinence when it comes to using the word 'angst') but this summer, I felt like I've changed in ways I'm quite satisfied with. And because of the time I've dedicated to just being with myself and my thoughts, I noticed the change. And I really loved that. Because you don't get that sweet pleasure of seeing how you change and grow while you're at school or just throughout the hectic action of the year and you reach the summer and sometimes you're surprised you changed and others you're sad because you haven't really. And despite my discomfort towards certain types of change, I feel like this change is exciting and it's part of the whole Life Experience that I'm trying to absorb every little bit of. 

I reread the Fault in Our Stars very intently over summer for the nth time and came to the realisation that despite my continuous agreement with Hazel on her opinion towards Gus's fear of "oblivion", I might just have a little of that too. Maybe not oblivion per se, but the complex of self-transcendence and self-actualisation. Thanks Abraham Maslow, your stupid pyramid is causing me nothing but brain hurricanes. Self-transcendence is the quality or state of being transcendent; surpassing or exceeding ordinary limits and self-actualisation is the achievement of one's full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity and a grasp of the real world. And what brought that thought to me was the idea (or more pertinently, the struggle) of choosing what I want to do for the rest of my existence on this planet - otherwise called picking what the hell I want to study at uni. 

And it suddenly hit me, and this is a sad thought that I associate with the inability to notice habits forming or change taking place throughout the year, that I've been putting myself down so frequently that my brain has completely accepted that as being reality. When it isn't. I never had this problem when I was younger and I know it because I took on tons and tons of tasks and knew that I was 110% capable of accomplishing them all to the best of my ability which was going to be pretty fucking because I put in every fibre of my being into making everything I did fully represent me and my hardworking qualities. And I didn't know I had lost that to some extent. The thing is it was such a fundamental trait that seeing it deteriorate even the slightest bit, hurt. Really bad. And because of that little twinge of regret I thought I was going to go for what I truly wanted regardless of any misconceptions or fears or hesitations I had thrown at me left and right. 

I think that is a very important reason as to why this summer was less about romanticism and late night thoughts with Lana del Rey as my soundtrack and more about the hard-hitting and often brusque nature of reality. Not to say that I undermine romanticism as being a very important part of my reality, but I've been avoiding this - perhaps subconsciously - for too long. I feel the spirit I used to have within me burning again and I absolutely love that. It makes me feel happy and new and fresh  and like a Hiba 2.0 which is a very lovely way to start the year. I also bought a Femme Fatale shirt that should always remind me of who I want to be, not who I become after months of no true self evaluation and introspection.

My summer was quite photogenic too, so I thought I'd leave a little album here because it makes me happy to look back on while still really looking forward to getting back to work. 

i s t a n b u l , t u r k e y

r o a d t r i p s     i n     m o r o c c o 

m a r r a k e ch , m o r o c c o 

j e m a a    e l    f n a , m a r r a k e c h

j a r d i n s    m a j o r e l l e , m a r r a k e c h

I hope you all had a beautiful summer.

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