Sunday, 12 October 2014

Where I Come To Terms With Things (And Cross Things Out)

It's October
Yes, you bet you can trust me to be a very precise calendar.
You're welcome.

I felt the theme "Beginnings" for September worked very well considering I've been conditioned to having an extra NYE in September since the school year is practically what my life is scheduled around, but Rookie's Yearbook One's theme of "Secrets" for October wasn't the right vibe for me this month, so let's scrap that idea that didn't survive a month in my very temperamental brain and write what I wanna write. Okay? Okay.

This whole 'Valuable Teenage Experience Best Years of My Life' thing has been quite good to me lately, I think. I'm at a point where I'm supposed to be fairly certain of where I want to go for university and what I want to pursue for the rest of my life or for the rest of however long I want to pursue that something - and I don't know on what end of the popular/unpopular scale of opinions this fits into - but at this point in time I'm not flustered or nervous or confused. I know what I want and if I change my mind, then I'll just know what I want again. It's built up to feel like a do or die moment when it really isn't. I take it very seriously because this is coming from the girl who's had a countdown for the day she finally leaves school and starts living how she chooses, so you know I'm not playing. But see that's a little bit of the problem. 

I've talked about the whole romanticism of teenage years over and over and over again but I just can't help but refer back to it because almost everyday a teacher or another adult in my life tells me that I should be cherishing and enjoying and taking full advantage of every opportunity that is ever presented to me. Some say they want to live vicariously through us but others are almost bitter about the fact that they would be doing things differently if they had the chance. And I don't think it's just pressurising, because personally I don't find it pressurising in the slightest, it's an awful way to go about your life. I understand all the advantages and privileges some of us have in our hands and I'm all for making the best of your time but the whole "best days of your life" is - with all due respect - bullshit.

I wouldnt want these years to be the predetermined best years of my life because that's just fuc

That is how my brain works. I write forever and then hear the voice in my head and she sounds dumb and I stop and I erase it all, but you know what, I'm not going to this time because I need to get over the fact that not everything I ever write or think or say is coherent or of some profound value. It's exactly what it says on the tin and the label does not promise you perfect.

I struggle with this, big time. Because the whole stress of perfecting something that you're assigned or that you've set out to do actually plagues my writing and my art and my brain. It has remarkably gotten better thanks to this wonderful little release zone and I'm not as afraid as I used to be of presenting something incomplete or flawed or just "dumb" because it's perceptual. The whole damn world is going to form an opinion on everything the people in their lives do; regardless of whether they always speak those opinions or not. So why bother pre-criticising myself and stressing to the point that whatever I was going to make in the first place is trimmed and erased and touched up until it doesn't even exist. It's not reshaping an idea or building it up it's deforming it. And there's nothing I hate more than that.

So here you go. This post is practically useless but I've realised this whole mentality shift to "I do what I want because I want to" thing I've had over the summer is a key change and I don't want it to be a "3 steps forward, 4 steps back" thing now that I'm back under the social and academic pressure of the 10 month pseudo-year of school. I want to be able to stand by both my very coherent thoughts and my jumbled mess of absolute nothingness because I am both and I need to accept it because this instilled perfectionism will drive me absolutely crazy otherwise and I like the amount of crazy I have going on for me right now.

(Also why the shit are the pictures on some of my other posts gone. I am hella confused but also too lazy to do anything about it soz)

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