Sunday, 12 October 2014
Where I Come To Terms With Things (And Cross Things Out)
Yes, you bet you can trust me to be a very precise calendar.
I felt the theme "Beginnings" for September worked very well considering I've been conditioned to having an extra NYE in September since the school year is practically what my life is scheduled around, but Rookie's Yearbook One's theme of "Secrets" for October wasn't the right vibe for me this month, so let's scrap that idea that didn't survive a month in my very temperamental brain and write what I wanna write. Okay? Okay.
That is how my brain works. I write forever and then hear the voice in my head and she sounds dumb and I stop and I erase it all, but you know what, I'm not going to this time because I need to get over the fact that not everything I ever write or think or say is coherent or of some profound value. It's exactly what it says on the tin and the label does not promise you perfect.
I struggle with this, big time. Because the whole stress of perfecting something that you're assigned or that you've set out to do actually plagues my writing and my art and my brain. It has remarkably gotten better thanks to this wonderful little release zone and I'm not as afraid as I used to be of presenting something incomplete or flawed or just "dumb" because it's perceptual. The whole damn world is going to form an opinion on everything the people in their lives do; regardless of whether they always speak those opinions or not. So why bother pre-criticising myself and stressing to the point that whatever I was going to make in the first place is trimmed and erased and touched up until it doesn't even exist. It's not reshaping an idea or building it up it's deforming it. And there's nothing I hate more than that.
So here you go. This post is practically useless but I've realised this whole mentality shift to "I do what I want because I want to" thing I've had over the summer is a key change and I don't want it to be a "3 steps forward, 4 steps back" thing now that I'm back under the social and academic pressure of the 10 month pseudo-year of school. I want to be able to stand by both my very coherent thoughts and my jumbled mess of absolute nothingness because I am both and I need to accept it because this instilled perfectionism will drive me absolutely crazy otherwise and I like the amount of crazy I have going on for me right now.
(Also why the shit are the pictures on some of my other posts gone. I am hella confused but also too lazy to do anything about it soz)