Saturday, 6 June 2015

Questioning Desire and 18hood

I wrote something the other day and a little part of it I especially loved and reminded me of this playlist I made a while ago:

"We didn't notice but felt the sunset happen outside the huge windows, as everything got darker and more honest. Suddenly we were shadows and fingertips and messy hair and warm chests and carefree hands held and warm breath. I guess it's just a hotel room thing, everything feels distant and nothing else is real, at least for a while."



This is quite an old playlist of mine but I'm incredibly happy with the selection and realised I hadn't shared it on here yet because I've been incredibly busy with AS exams and pretending to be reading the text I'm supposed to have read for my English exam today however it's June which means I'm about to have a lot of time in my hands for free use and I'm at that little transition stage where I don't quite know what to do with my life and I think about how vacant I am while multitasking a show and 3 tabs of tumblr, psychology research and personal statement drafts yet getting the bare minimum done. Oops. 

It's been 2(ish) months since I last wrote anything on here even though I've got at least 4 drafts just sitting there, tantalizing me everytime I open up my posts tab which is a lot more stressful than it sounds. So I got rid of them. Which I probably shouldn't have. But I have been writing or at least trying to silence my inner, rather harsh editor. I can't seem to write anything that sounds mildly decent and every scene I set is a downright cliche so I thought you know what? Don't force it. Let yourself just get into the vibe, write a bunch of nonsense and eventually when you're in the flow it'll all clarify. So that's what I did and I ended up with a mega block of title-less text. Progress?


I've had a bunch of fun little exciting things happen over the past while. For one, I got to see Ed Sheeran live, which also happened to be my first concert ever and I feel very lucky that I got to share it with very lovely people. 


The best friend who also shows up on my other playlist's cover art and my other artsy photoshooty posts also turned 18 recently. Holy shit we're getting old. Well, The Expat Experience couldn't have been complete without a polaroid so technically we're just keeping traditions alive. It's for the sake of culture.


Speaking of 18hood, I've got 6 months to go till I'm on that fun bus of joy and driving and to be completely honest it's very exciting and exhilarating all at once. I can't seem to get in touch with my inner feelings about all this and everything in my brain seems to process very superficially almost to maintain distance with whatever things are going on in there and it's been frustrating because I know I'm thinking too much all at once which makes my brain auto-shut down. I feel like I'm supposed to be doing a lot at the moment; figuring out what field I specifically want to get into, writing a personal statement, keeping my interests alive, w r i t i n g but none of it seems to be getting done and that frustrates me. This always happens every June, because everything is finished and I feel like without any solid deadlines to work towards, everything is flying in the air and I can't keep it under control and that makes me uncomfortable.

I guess writing about it and then posting it to the 1-2 people out there makes me feel like I should do something about it and stop whining. But wahey, whining is my way of processing things in word form and until I figure out a more effective alternative, this is all I've got. Besides, I've only got 6 more months of permissive whining, so let me have my moment.

Tomorrow I will write for a solid hour without any distractions or attempts to do more than one thing at a time. For once, mind, pick a single track.

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