“Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation mid-sentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you.”
"I want to sequester this one part of me from everyone else. I want the act to be a secret, even if the words can only hold themselves secret for so long."
It made me think a lot about making decisions; how we make some so fast, "we don't let all the synapses connect before we do the thing we shouldn't do" and we hold on to things. We have this tendency to grip so hard onto things, even when we adamantly deny it, and we know that if we had the power, we would make those things happen. Even if they weren't ready to.
"Just be warned," you said. "Someday you'll ask me to give up something I really love, and then it's going to get ugly."
I think the quest of understanding is essentially the legacy we leave behind because with all our complexities and complications, intricacies and simplicities, everybody is trying to understand everybody in order to be able to communicate and co-exist and everybody is also trying to understand themselves and what they feel and how they feel it and why they feel it. And when we think we understand us we want other people to understand us and we want them to understand us right and oftentimes we want them to like what they're getting.
I think this book just made me surrender a little to the feeling of desperation because a.) it's inevitable and fighting it can make you so bitter and so bottled up and the way that it made me feel so full last night after finishing it to the point that I just did not understand what the fuck was wrong with me is a sign of that. And b.) it's okay to feel and do and think certain things and they could be sharp and harsh and scalding but we move on from that and being able to hold that mirror up to what you did yourself possesses immense strength and vulnerability.
It just helped cement that that particular dissonance is okay, we just learn to live with it and we realize it's not always an oxymoron.
"What did it matter to me? Did I think that by making you rational about one thing, I could make you rational about everything?"