It's been about 4 weeks since my last exam and let's just say things don't feel different just yet. This was my last year of high school so I'm officially out of one system and headed right into another. The whole visas/residential aspect of my university application has been a hassle to say the least and, for somebody with a huge thing for planning everything in advance, the uncertainty of the next month or so has been draining my summer. Which is my doing, so I can't sit here and blame the situation, but oh well, it has been suckish regardless.
I tried to write this exact post right about 3 weeks ago, but evidently that didn't quite work. In that one, however, I was considerably more reflective, probably because I was still in the process of goodbyes. And now, basically everybody I know (knew?) is out of the country and I'm in work everyday of the week, so I'm a little out of the "reflective" and into the "slightly empty" mind frame. I've been on a creative block. I'm calling it a creative block but I've just been far too distracted by my own head to do anything. And I guess now that the novelty of the 'end of the era' is wearing off, I'm just eh. Indifferent? I'm not even bored because I'm constantly mentally preoccupied, I'm just not producing what I say I want to be producing during the year when the workload takes obligatory priority. And that's just always the case isn't it? You've got piles and piles of work = you want to do everything but work. You've got nothing to do but exist = don't feel like doing anything.
Well this is drier and more depressing than I intended this 'End of an Era' thing to be. Let's escape this mental state pronto
Okay, I'm out of it.
Let's not talk about the end of the era. Or this 'new chapter'. This isn't the right vibe for that. Instead let's talk about other things.
I read 'milk and honey' by Rupi Kaur. I will be writing a little something on that especially as I have underlined basically the entire book.
I made my 8tracks page pretty. Look at that effective use of time.
Making playlists at first glance may look very frivolous, but the thing with all of these mixes is I've only been compelled to make them because of significant incidences or significant people. And obviously, nobody knows what they're about or who they're for (unless they were burned one of them) but then again, that's exactly where the pleasure is for me. I have a knack for documentation, it seems, and it's almost always wholly personal. I like to see progression in myself and I like to see it in all forms. So I write on this blog and I post my artistic attempts and I make videos now and again and...I make mixes. Seeing "everything that kills me, makes me feel alive" takes me back to Orlando, "is it desire?" takes me to October 2014, "prom queen of idle disaster" takes me to Lana and Marina basically dominating my artistic expression and "4 am" is my falling in love with Halsey & The Weeknd. And right there, I can map out all my influences. And that is very very cool to me.
I bought more records, which was cool. Unfortunately the experience is not one of discovery and dusty crates in underground record stores. But I'm making do with what I got. Give a girl credit.
I also had a conversation with my mom about my time working with children (I do part-time swim coaching with little humans) and I think I might write a thing about that too at some point. I think that has had a significant impact on me as a person and it would be a little pointless to document my 8tracks playlists but not character-shaping experiences.
I haven't been on my creative game but I'm trying to slowly regain it by listening to new music and reading new things and being more present and engaged in everything I'm doing on the daily rather than sort of floating absentmindedly through it all until I get where I feel I need to be.
All in all, this is me on the 11th of July, 2016, 7:04PM